I've been a mother for almost nine months now, and I can't believe how fast time has gone by. You know the saying "Time flies when you're having fun"? That's not what I'm talking about. These past months have been the most challenging of my life. Turns out growing and raising a human is harder than caring for a Tamagachi. I think I pictured motherhood involving a lot more sleep and fewer tears. About half the time you can expect me to be feeling equal parts bewilderment and exhaustion. If it wasn't for the other half of the time I spend feeling mesmerized by my bright, blue eyed wonder I'm not so sure I would be able to make it through a day. I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't.
I think being "just a mom" is harder than most people make it out to be. It is a job that never stops. Not even during nap time (P.S. what's "nap time"?). It's not a job that you can separate yourself from when you come home from the "office". The pay is crap. Your employer in unreasonable. The benefits are alluring, I will admit that, but at the end of every day you're left feeling exhausted. Some days I wonder how so many people do this. And most don't seem to stop at one baby!
And then I have a moment. A moment so precious that I wish I could bottle it up and keep with me forever. Sometimes it's a one-toothed smile. Sometimes it's a tiny, pancake-covered hand stroking my cheek. Sometimes it's a magical squeal that was saved special for me. And sometimes it's just the feeling of satisfaction that I created him. I made the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Me. I did that. I would be lying if I said I love being a mother every minute of every day, but I can 100% say that I love my baby every minute of every day.
E and I had quite the day today. I think he broke his own record for consecutive hours of fussiness. I think I might have convinced half the people I know that I'm a literal crazy person. But now that it's over, I see so many things to be thankful for. I see prayers that were answered. I can feel myself becoming stronger. Becoming more like the person I can feel I'm supposed to be. I know I am meant to be a mother. It becomes clearer to me everyday that this is one of the reasons Heavenly Father put me here. He knows I can do this . . . and do it' well. That trust means everything to me. It gives hope that tomorrow will be easier. And even if it's not, days like this teach me that I can survive. I can do hard things! And I can see happiness in imperfection.
(Don't tell Dad.)