Perfect in my Mind

Perfect in my Mind

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

April 30th

I have a laundry list of things to do right now that could rival my actual laundry pile.  My baby has been asleep for 45 minutes and I probably should be gnawing away at part of that list but blogging has been on my mind for months now and I can't seem to shake the feeling that it's time to write something down.

I've been a mother for almost nine months now, and I can't believe how fast time has gone by.  You know the saying "Time flies when you're having fun"?  That's not what I'm talking about.  These past months have been the most challenging of my life. Turns out growing and raising a human is harder than caring for a Tamagachi. I think I pictured motherhood involving a lot more sleep and fewer tears.  About half the time you can expect me to be feeling equal parts bewilderment and exhaustion.  If it wasn't for the other half of the time I spend feeling mesmerized by my bright, blue eyed wonder I'm not so sure I would be able to make it through a day. I don't know what I'm doing.  I really don't.  

I think being "just a mom" is harder than most people make it out to be.  It is a job that never stops.  Not even during nap time (P.S. what's "nap time"?).  It's not a job that you can separate yourself from when you come home from the "office". The pay is crap.  Your employer in unreasonable.  The benefits are alluring, I will admit that, but at the end of every day you're left feeling exhausted.  Some days I wonder how so many people do this.  And most don't seem to stop at one baby!  

And then I have a moment.  A moment so precious that I wish I could bottle it up and keep with me forever.  Sometimes it's a one-toothed smile.  Sometimes it's a tiny, pancake-covered hand stroking my cheek.  Sometimes it's a magical squeal that was saved special for me.  And sometimes it's just the feeling of satisfaction that I created him.  I made the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!  Me.  I did that.  I would be lying if I said I love being a mother every minute of every day, but I can 100% say that I love my baby every minute of every day. 

E and I had quite the day today.  I think he broke his own record for consecutive hours of fussiness.  I think I might have convinced half the people I know that I'm a literal crazy person.  But now that it's over, I see so many things to be thankful for.  I see prayers that were answered.  I can feel myself becoming stronger.  Becoming more like the person I can feel I'm supposed to be.  I know I am meant to be a mother.  It becomes clearer to me everyday that this is one of the reasons Heavenly Father put me here.  He knows I can do this . . . and do it' well.  That trust means everything to me.  It gives hope that tomorrow will be easier.  And even if it's not, days like this teach me that I can survive.  I can do hard things! And I can see happiness in imperfection.

But Ezra, let's be real.  I'll let you chew on the x-box controller tomorrow if you take a nap.

(Don't tell Dad.)


Unknown said...

Chelsea, You describe so well the many ups and downs and in-betweens of early motherhood. Ezra is so very lucky to have a mother so dedicated, patient and loving. You and he share an unbreakable bond, because of what you have endured for him and what he has felt from you. That is an incredible story. I hope you will write more soon. Its so very touching and real. You have a gift young lady and you use it well.

Very moved by your last blog posting,and with deep love and gratitude,

Dad Trunnell

MicheleBryant said...

So sweet. You made me cry. You are a wonderful mother and daughter and I love you.

Kaylie and Cody said...

Chels...can I triple love this??? It's like you took the words and thoughts right out of me! You are such a great momma and do real. Let's mommy date real soon!! Much love. xoxo

Kylie said...

Sounds like we both decided to blog again at the same time! I hear ya....loud and clear. Jake will be two soon, and I feel as ill-suited as ever for this, but the moments keep you going!

Courtney B said...

Oh my sweet friend, how I miss you!! Why do we always go too long before seeing each other again!??
I know it's hard, being a mom is real hard!! But can I just say that you are one amazing, beautiful and loving momma?! Even in the moments you feel you are about to lose it... You're doing a better job than most of us! One part of this job I hate so much is how easily we doubt ourselves, but I hope you never stop believing that you are the best mom to your little Ezra. You are exactly what he needs! And as he grows out of the fussy phase (I promise it will happen!) and becomes more independent in his play, you two are going to have more fun together than you could imagine!
Now, when are we going to play?!

from head 2 toe said...

I have missed you on here! I can't give you any advice, except to keep doing your best! It's like those Johnson and Johnson commercials, "you're doing okay Mom". It's true! You are doing your best! I wish I had some mothering advice, but I know there are countless others out there who can help you except me who just sits here like, "I can blog whenever. I can sleep whenever (kinda). So, instead of tell you what I think you should do, just keep doing what you're doing because you are amazing.

Hope Wiltfong said...

It does get better, and believe it or not, it gets easier. Hang on to those precious wouldn't-trade-this-for-the-world moments, and they don't stop happening. It is worth it, honestly, it is.