How to Gain Ten Pounds Without Really Trying

I've had a million different people tell me "as soon as you say, "I do" your metabolism takes a nose dive." 

I thought they were joking.  I mean, seriously.  That just sounds like voodo.  And I don't take part in black magic.

Well, apparently those people weren't kidding me.  It's been just over a year since Mista T. and I tied the knot, and I've effortlessly said "hello" to ten new pounds.  Awesome, right?

Well, in case you're hankering to gain some weight, I've constructed what I have determined to be a fool-proof exercise and diet regime. 

Exercise:

1. Buy a gym pass.  Any gym will do . . . Okay . . . Now that you have the pass, put it in your purse and never use it.  Not ever.  Just walk on over to the couch, get your seven seconds of cardio in, and put your feet up.  When you start to feel lazy, just wait.  It will pass.
2. Find a workout buddy.  But make sure he or she is someone who doesn't  like to exercise, either.  That way they won't be annoying you with their encouraging words and motivation.
3. Watch copious amounts of "The Office."  (Only seasons 1-3, please.)  Laughing vigorously tightens your core, and burns tons of calories.  Probably more than you'd burn at the gym.

Diet:

Day One
Breakfast--one granola bar
Snack-- another granola bar
Lunch-- grilled cheese sandwich with turkey and tomato, cottage cheese, pineapple, 5 Reeses Peanut Butter cups
Snack-- one cookie, Crystal Light
Dinner-- huge bowl of rice, two heaping servings of sweet and sour chicken, broccoli

Day Two
Breakfast-- one mixing bowl full of Rasin Bran, milk
Snack-- N/A
Lunch-- huge crispy chicken salad, extra ranch dressing
Snack-- two peanut butter cookies, diet coke
Dinner-- three servings of curry fried rice

Day Three
Breakfast-- seven cinnamon bears
Snack-- Crystal Light
Lunch-- whole wheat tortilla, turkey slices, honey mustard, tomato, cottage cheese, one apple
Snack-- two pita pockets, hummus
Dinner-- one McDonald's Big Mac, medium order of fries, diet coke

Alternate (Cheat) Day
Breakfast-- two chocolate cookies
Snack-- one Yoohoo, ten Milk Duds
Lunch-- four bowls Cap'n Crunch
Snack--half a box of Teddy Grahams
Dinner-- one serving platter sized portion of spaghetti, italian saussage, marinaria sauce

(repeat until desired results are achieved)

Important Tips:

• If something tastes good, eat it.  Even if you're full.  You don't want to let anything go to waste.  Think of the starving children in Africa.
• Make sure you have a well stocked "snack cupboard."  Yeah, you're going to need a whole cupboard . . . Definitely make sure to include lots of chocolate and salty snacks.  You get bonus points for anything with a high sodium content.  The goal here is to feel as bloated as possible, as often as possible.
• Anything using mechanically seperated chicken parts puts you on the fast track to a fatter, happier, you.
• When you go to your favorite fast food joint, be sure to park as close to the door as possible.  You wouldn't want to get in any accidental exercise.
• Did you know that you can custom order your food?  Be sure to ask for extra mayo, or extra bacon.
• Don't settle for anything labeled "fat free, " or "sugar free."  You're young.  Go big or go home.

Follow these simple, and effortless steps and you come next January you'll be a rounder, more jolly, woman after my own heart.