Perfect in my Mind

Perfect in my Mind

Thursday, January 26, 2012

How to Gain Ten Pounds Without Really Trying


I've had a million different people tell me "as soon as you say, "I do" your metabolism takes a nose dive." 

I thought they were joking.  I mean, seriously.  That just sounds like voodo.  And I don't take part in black magic.

Well, apparently those people weren't kidding me.  It's been just over a year since Mista T. and I tied the knot, and I've effortlessly said "hello" to ten new pounds.  Awesome, right?

Well, in case you're hankering to gain some weight, I've constructed what I have determined to be a fool-proof exercise and diet regime. 

Exercise:
  1. Buy a gym pass.  Any gym will do . . . Okay . . . Now that you have the pass, put it in your purse and never use it.  Not ever.  Just walk on over to the couch, get your seven seconds of cardio in, and put your feet up.  When you start to feel lazy, just wait.  It will pass.
  2. Find a workout buddy.  But make sure he or she is someone who doesn't  like to exercise, either.  That way they won't be annoying you with their encouraging words and motivation.
  3. Watch copious amounts of "The Office."  (Only seasons 1-3, please.)  Laughing vigorously tightens your core, and burns tons of calories.  Probably more than you'd burn at the gym.
Diet:

Day One
Breakfast--one granola bar
Snack-- another granola bar
Lunch-- grilled cheese sandwich with turkey and tomato, cottage cheese, pineapple, 5 Reeses Peanut Butter cups
Snack-- one cookie, Crystal Light
Dinner-- huge bowl of rice, two heaping servings of sweet and sour chicken, broccoli

Day Two
Breakfast-- one mixing bowl full of Rasin Bran, milk
Snack-- N/A
Lunch-- huge crispy chicken salad, extra ranch dressing
Snack-- two peanut butter cookies, diet coke
Dinner-- three servings of curry fried rice

Day Three
Breakfast-- seven cinnamon bears
Snack-- Crystal Light
Lunch-- whole wheat tortilla, turkey slices, honey mustard, tomato, cottage cheese, one apple
Snack-- two pita pockets, hummus
Dinner-- one McDonald's Big Mac, medium order of fries, diet coke

Alternate (Cheat) Day
Breakfast-- two chocolate cookies
Snack-- one Yoohoo, ten Milk Duds
Lunch-- four bowls Cap'n Crunch
Snack--half a box of Teddy Grahams
Dinner-- one serving platter sized portion of spaghetti, italian saussage, marinaria sauce

(repeat until desired results are achieved)

Important Tips:
  • If something tastes good, eat it.  Even if you're full.  You don't want to let anything go to waste.  Think of the starving children in Africa.
  • Make sure you have a well stocked "snack cupboard."  Yeah, you're going to need a whole cupboard . . . Definitely make sure to include lots of chocolate and salty snacks.  You get bonus points for anything with a high sodium content.  The goal here is to feel as bloated as possible, as often as possible.
  • Anything using mechanically seperated chicken parts puts you on the fast track to a fatter, happier, you.
  • When you go to your favorite fast food joint, be sure to park as close to the door as possible.  You wouldn't want to get in any accidental exercise.
  • Did you know that you can custom order your food?  Be sure to ask for extra mayo, or extra bacon.
  • Don't settle for anything labeled "fat free, " or "sugar free."  You're young.  Go big or go home.
Follow these simple, and effortless steps and you come next January you'll be a rounder, more jolly, woman after my own heart.

13 comments:

Sara Shoemaker said...

bahahah oh Chelsea you are Hilarious! From the blog title to all the funny commentary I love it. We have the same exact 'exercise' routine and I love it. You're right the lazy feeling does eventually pass! ;)


The House of Shoes

Dana Richards said...

Yep, 100% gained 10 pounds our first year of marriage! I don't even know how!! Black voodoo magic haha

Alexis Kaye said...

hahahahha your tips are hilarious! I like avoiding accidnetal exercise. My favorite part? When you feel lazy, just wait. It will pass!!

Mostly I love this because I have also been a victim of those nasty boogers who sneak in my room at night and sew my clothes tighter. But I've gained like 10 pounds and it hasn't even been a year. shame. on. me. I should be at atleast 15 by now.

Autumn said...

Made me laugh.

What worked for me is starting birth control. 15 pounds gained in two months! Works like a charm!

Charley said...

I love this! It sounds all too familiar though ;)

Layne and McKenzie Papenfuss said...

You are so funny! I could not stop laughing while reading this post! Love all these tips!

Emma Frances said...

Baha! This is awesome! :] Such good tips that I will most definitely be using!!

Brooklyn McKenna said...

Ahahaha You seriously crack me up. I loved this. I love the "Think of the starving children in Africa." We actually say that to each other in my apartment hahaha.

Deveny said...

Forget the 'freshman 15', it's all about the 'newlywed 10'. I gained my first year of marriage too...it's a conspiracy. :)

Katie said...

Ahahaha. So many amazing things about this post. And all of it true.

eryka {from abcde} said...

haha. its funny because its true. i have sadly said hello to about 8lbs since march 2011. ughhh!!! ;)

Keri said...

You're awesome. When I saw you had a Big Mac for dinner I thought "I gotta follow this chick...we're kindred spirits."

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