Sometimes I think about how my life used to be. I think about my past insecurities, and how I wish I had handled certain situations in a more mature manner. There are parts of my life I wish I could erase. People I wish I'd never met, feelings I wish I'd never had, decisions I wish I'd never made. Sometimes I wonder if there really is anything to be learned from mistakes. I haven't been perfect. I've said mean things, I've held grudges too long, and I've been selfish. I feel like if someone asked me every wrong thing I've ever done, I could remember the majority. For some reason, I don't forget.
I know that it is often unproductive to dwell on the past. I don't want to do that. My life is happy now. For the most part, I feel like I'm living a dream come true. But, from time to time, I get focused on who I have been, rather than who I am. Although I may never have done anything so wrong it couldn't be taken back, I know that I never again want to the Chelsea of old. Hey. I mean, five years from now, I don't even want to be the Chelsea I am today. I want to be better. I want to be nicer--more selfless, more compassionate, more in touch with my Savior--and I don't want it to stop there.
Five years from now, where do I want to be?
Uh. I danno. I haven't really mapped it all out. Maybe that's a bad thing. I honestly don't know where I'll be, though. Not geographically, not physically, not spiritually, and not financially. I have friends who can tell you right now when they want to start having kids, when they want to have their last kid, where their spouse is going to work after graduation, and how much money they hope to have saved by that time. I admire that kind of enthusiasm for planning. I'm not sure it can reasonably be that way for everyone, though. Some of us just pray, and hope to have the spirit with them when decisions are presented to them. I've been told that not planning is irresponsible. In fact, an institute teacher once told my class that if we didn't try and start a family immediately following marriage, we were being very selfish people. That bothered me, because I don't think Heavenly Father has the exact same plan for everyone.
I think he just wants us all to be happy. And to do the best we can.
So that's what I'm going to do.