Perfect in my Mind

Perfect in my Mind

Friday, May 20, 2011

Then, Now, and Sometime.

Sometimes I think about how my life used to be.  I think about my past insecurities, and how I wish I had handled certain situations in a more mature manner.  There are parts of my life I wish I could erase.  People I wish I'd never met, feelings I wish I'd never had, decisions I wish I'd never made.  Sometimes I wonder if there really is anything to be learned from mistakes.  I haven't been perfect.  I've said mean things, I've held grudges too long, and I've been selfish.  I feel like if someone asked me every wrong thing I've ever done, I could remember the majority.  For some reason, I don't forget.

I know that it is often unproductive to dwell on the past.  I don't want to do that.  My life is happy now.  For the most part, I feel  like I'm living a dream come true.  But, from time to time, I get focused on who I have been, rather than who I am.  Although I may never have done anything so wrong it couldn't be taken back, I know that I never again want to the Chelsea of old.  Hey.  I mean, five years from now, I don't even want to be the Chelsea I am today.  I want to be better.  I want to be nicer--more selfless, more compassionate, more in touch with my Savior--and I don't want it to stop there.

Five years from now, where do I want to be?

Uh.  I danno.  I haven't really mapped it all out.  Maybe that's a bad thing.  I honestly don't know where I'll be, though.  Not geographically, not physically, not spiritually, and not financially.  I have friends who can tell you right now when they want to start having kids, when they want to have their last kid, where their spouse is going to work after graduation, and how much money they hope to have saved by that time.  I admire that kind of enthusiasm for planning.  I'm not sure it can reasonably be that way for everyone, though. Some of us just pray, and hope to have the spirit with them when decisions are presented to them.  I've been told that not planning is irresponsible.  In fact, an institute teacher once told my class that if we didn't try and start a family immediately following marriage, we were being very selfish people.  That bothered me, because I don't think Heavenly Father has the exact same plan for everyone.

I think he just wants us all to be happy.  And to do the best we can.

So that's what I'm going to do.


Jess said...

Great post. Its so true, there are things that I still dwell on now and I get depressed about it and then start thinking about what if...But it helps me to refocus when I start thinking about what I do have and how very lucky I am.

And I don't think it is selfish to wait to have children. Everyone is different. And when you haven't been with your spouse for very long you need time to grow with each other. And I believe to know that this is right. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. We talk about having children, but we haven't yet. Its up to us and when we feel ready. I certainly wasn't ready 3 years ago. We all have to come around to it on our own time and terms and I think that our Heavenly Father knows that as well.
So you take as much time as you need. Only you and your husband are going to know when it is time to start that decision of having children. Don't let anyone else tell you other wise.
And remember we all think about the past but try not to let it be the whole focus of your here and now.
Sorry that was long.

Mary Anne said...

I totally agree! Your institute teacher really generalized or misspoke there.

I totally agree with Jess above. It's not selfish to wait! I mean I did hear I think it was Monson say we shouldn't wait we should have children as soon as we can, but I don't think it means right after marriage. I think it means, after you've gotten to know each other, spent rare moments alone that will take many years to get back, and have set everything in your power you can in order for your family-to-be, then you no longer need to wait.

And I agree 1,000,000% with you. Everyone IS different! Some people get married and have kids immediately after--sometimes it works out swimmingly--many times it doesn't turn out so hot.

I think you nailed it, Chelsea. It's not about us hurrying to get married or hurrying to have kids. It's about us experiencing life together, growing from our mistakes, and becoming a better happier person.

Well, anyways, that's my two cents.

Courtney B said...

Love this post!
I AM grateful for my much as I cringe at some of them. I truly have learned from them and feel like I am (or at least am trying to be) a better person because of them!
Eric and I just had our 3rd anniversary and have no kids. I am so so GRATEFUL for our time together. I would never change it. It works for some to have kids right away...but for us... not so much. And being a hairstylist, and having very opinionated friends I've heard it all. We're selfish, we're so lucky to have this time because once we have kids it will never be the same, we love the worldy things too much, we're so lucky to be able to build a strong foundation for our relationship to continue while we have kids, etc. I've heard it all. haha. But we're happy and we feel what we're doing in our life is RIGHT for us :) So no worries girl! You'll know what's right for your family!
(But YES to savings! Save whenever you can!)

Chelsea said...

Thank you so much for the support, girls! I love hearing about other people's experiences. I'm glad I'm not alone in this!