Perfect in my Mind

Perfect in my Mind

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I Fail.

I was kind of hesitant to write this post, because I would rather you all think I'm some sort of wonderkins who succeeds at basically everything without even trying.  It would be great if you all could just picture me wearing an evening gown, getting straight A's, and simultaneously being the most amazing wife in the world.  But, the truth is, I don't even own an evening gown.  And, strangely enough, writing about my failures is fun for me.  Besides. Who wants to read about perfect people, anyway?  It's depressing.


When I think about things I've failed at, the first thing that always comes to mind is that I never made it into the top choir in my high school.  I don't know why I always revert back to this, but I do. 

As some of you may know, I have a weird sense of confidence.  When someone tells me I can't do something, or that I'm not good at something, I spin it to mean that they are jealous of me, and actually think I'm amazing.  I don't know where this comes from, but it's there. 

I auditioned for Madrigals (top choir at my high school) every year of high school.  Each year, I just knew I was going to make it.  I would waltz into the audition room, smile big at the choral director, and then proceed to belt out whatever musical passage he threw at me.  I would leave the room, call my mom, and tell her that I nailed it.  Then ,weeks later, I would confidently check the list of who made Madrigals, and realize that my name wasn't amongst the top singers in my high school. 

I was always way good at making up reasons as to why I never made Madrigals.  I would say to myself, "Oh, it's probably just because your voice is too good.  You wouldn't blend with all the other people."  But, in reality I'm sure I didn't get in because I just didn't have the chops. 

This fact has not kept me from singing.


When I was nineteen, I tried out to become Miss Iron County.  My mom was a Miss Iron County, my aunt was a Miss Iron County--I was sure being a Miss Iron County was my destiny. 

Everyday I would spend time exercising, practicing for my talent, pageant walking, and obsessing over my interview.  My mom and I would talk for hours about the competition and how I was going to win.  I mean, I was born for this, right? 

Well, the night of the pageant came, and I did not perform as I expected to.  I messed up the opening dance number, I didn't wear the right pair of fake eyelashes, and I didn't walk as gracefully as my competition.  I didn't answer my interview questions the way I had practiced, and my hair had fly-a-ways.

I didn't win. 

Don't worry, though.  I wasn't too sad about not winning.  At the time, I was sure the event was rigged, and I was somehow denied the crown because of politics.  Looking back, I just wasn't as good at pageants as the competition.

This fact has not kept me from getting dressed up, and performing.


A few weeks ago, one of my professor's encouraged me to apply for a study abroad experience in Dubai.  Five girls from my university would be chosen, and I was determined to be one of them.  I spent hours writing essays, filling out paper work, and day dreaming of the fun adventure I would have during my week long, all inclusive, study abroad trip.

I knew I was going to be accepted.  My teacher had recommend me to the committee responsible for selecting the participants, and I figured that meant I was a shoe-in.  I excitedly told all of my family about this neat experience, and started planning out my Dubai outfits in my head. 

Untitled #1178

Well, Wednesday I found out that I was not amongst the five selected to go to Dubai.  This time, instead of trying to make myself feel better by telling myself the judging process was rigged or that the judges secretly thought I was the best and just didn't want to make the other applicants feel bad, I cried.  I cried hard.  Mista T. probably thought his wife was abducted and replaced by a giant baby.  But, she wasn't.  She was on the couch, eating ice cream, crying because she wasn't good enough.  It was a sad day for me. 

But, you know what?  It has been good.  It has been a contemplative experience, and I've been able to think back on my past "failures" and remember that I am good enough. 

And, despite the fact that I did not have the opportunity to participate in this study abroad experience, it will not keep me from living my life to the fullest. 


Alexis Kaye said...

I'm glad that this will not hold you back from other experiences. And just because you weren't chosen for this doesn't mean you weren't good enough or even perfect! You never know God's hand. I don't know if that's what you want to hear...but that's always what I think. I figure you do what you can and you give the rest to Heavenly Father. But I'm still bummed for you that you don't get to go. Maybe you and James can plan something fun to do for the summer instead? :)

Carlie said...

I love this post, because sometimes I do the same thing (show me someone who doesn't and I'll probably think they are lying haha). That would suck not to get picked for the Dubai thing, but I am glad you are remembering that you are good enough because it is true! I am totally with you on not letting my failures stop me from living life to the fullest! Thanks for sharing! =)

Elyse.Beard said...

I've failed at so many things (I SUCKED at Miss Iron County!!!) and always used to make excuses for myself. Now it just sucks but that's life and you can't let it hold you back! I think you're awesome! Great post! Don't let them haters cramp your style ;)

Keri said...

I love this! Thanks for being vulnerable and real.

P.S. Start singing again.

Monica's Notebook said...

I LOVE this post so much! I love it when people are real on their blogs it's so much more enjoyable to read and people can actually relate to you! You have such a positive attitude girl! I want to hear you sing! :]

Anonymous said...

Perfect people are most definitely depressing. Haha.

Cyndy said...

Chelsea, You are such a great person. I know exactly what you are feeling. I have been there and have thought the same things you did. It was rigged, I suck, if there were judges-they must have been sleeping, etc. Your Grandma b always says, things happen for a reason and most of the time I believe that and for you I believe there must of been a reason that you were not meant to go abroad. I love you very much, o little niece of mine.

Denise said...

You are such a strong woman Chelsea! I admire you for not letting it ruin the rest of your life. You know you're good and that's all that matters! Keep smiling that pretty smile :)

Anonymous said...

Chelsea, you possess the amazing quality to see the best in all good things, even your minor failures at competition. But just being in the competition is what astounds me. So many of us passed up opportunities for growth and experience because we were too afraid to even try. I least you always try. We do and will always love you for the gentle, fun, devoted person, wife and daughter-in-law you are, not for who you are not. "The joy is (always)in the journey."

Love and support,

Dad T.

Annette said...

This was one of your best blog posts yet. I admire you so much! You are an example to me! I often feel like a failure in some areas, but I try to remember that there is a purpose for everything. I sure love you!

hopelds said...

Thanks for sharing some of your "failures" (and yes, the quotes are deliberate) and how your self-confidence helped you move past them!

But DUBAI?! I'm sorta relieved you did NOT get chosen. Dubai is a lot more Westernized (sp?) than someplace like Saudi Arabia, but with Middle East tension (although it does seem will always remain present), Americans withdrawing from Iraq (my hubby being one of the last in the country) AND Israel throwing threats at Iran...

Well, I'm just a little bit happy you are gonna stay here in the states.

Great attitude, however - keep trying! (just maybe for the Middle East right now, okay?!)

LaynahRose said...

well...i dont know about everyone else but i dont think i'll ever read your blog again. i just dont associate with people who dont simultaneously wear evening gowns and get straight A's. (not really)

Welp, that sucks. I totally understand the whole breaking down and crying thing...I think everyyyyone does. It's really encouraging to write a sad post and get this flood of love from your fellow bloggers.

I don't think I'll be very good at coming up with an encouraging string of words right now, because sometimes I feel like when something like that happens, nothing anyone can say will make it any better. Hopefully one of the girls in the comments above me will be more eloquent :)

You look SO gorgeous in that pageant picture. So so gorgeous.

Courtney B said...

You have no idea how much I can relate to this, how much EVERYONE can relate to this. You are amazing, Chels!
I am sorry you weren't chosen for Dubai.... but with the way our lives have taken on different directions with no warning in our last almost 4 years of marriage, I've come to realize that when something doesn't work out it's because the Lord has something much bigger in mind. Something that we won't understand until we look back on our life. Keep your chin up pretty girl! So glad that this won't stop you from living life to the fullest!

Kylie said...

What an attitude :) You've got this whole life thing down.

Sara Shoemaker said...

I love your attitude! I take losing pretty hard myself so I want to have an outlook more like you! You are awesome. But I'm sorry you didn't get the study abroad program though- maybe you and mista T could take a trip there together someday! :)

The House of Shoes

Katie said...

I love this post. I think you're amazing!