I was kind of hesitant to write this post, because I would rather you all think I'm some sort of wonderkins who succeeds at basically everything without even trying. It would be great if you all could just picture me wearing an evening gown, getting straight A's, and simultaneously being the most amazing wife in the world. But, the truth is, I don't even own an evening gown. And, strangely enough, writing about my failures is fun for me. Besides. Who wants to read about perfect people, anyway? It's depressing.
When I think about things I've failed at, the first thing that always comes to mind is that I never made it into the top choir in my high school. I don't know why I always revert back to this, but I do.
As some of you may know, I have a weird sense of confidence. When someone tells me I can't do something, or that I'm not good at something, I spin it to mean that they are jealous of me, and actually think I'm amazing. I don't know where this comes from, but it's there.
I auditioned for Madrigals (top choir at my high school) every year of high school. Each year, I just knew I was going to make it. I would waltz into the audition room, smile big at the choral director, and then proceed to belt out whatever musical passage he threw at me. I would leave the room, call my mom, and tell her that I nailed it. Then ,weeks later, I would confidently check the list of who made Madrigals, and realize that my name wasn't amongst the top singers in my high school.
This fact has not kept me from singing.
MISS IRON COUNTY
When I was nineteen, I tried out to become Miss Iron County. My mom was a Miss Iron County, my aunt was a Miss Iron County--I was sure being a Miss Iron County was my destiny.
Everyday I would spend time exercising, practicing for my talent, pageant walking, and obsessing over my interview. My mom and I would talk for hours about the competition and how I was going to win. I mean, I was born for this, right?
I didn't win.
Don't worry, though. I wasn't too sad about not winning. At the time, I was sure the event was rigged, and I was somehow denied the crown because of politics. Looking back, I just wasn't as good at pageants as the competition.
This fact has not kept me from getting dressed up, and performing.
A few weeks ago, one of my professor's encouraged me to apply for a study abroad experience in Dubai. Five girls from my university would be chosen, and I was determined to be one of them. I spent hours writing essays, filling out paper work, and day dreaming of the fun adventure I would have during my week long, all inclusive, study abroad trip.
I knew I was going to be accepted. My teacher had recommend me to the committee responsible for selecting the participants, and I figured that meant I was a shoe-in. I excitedly told all of my family about this neat experience, and started planning out my Dubai outfits in my head.
Well, Wednesday I found out that I was not amongst the five selected to go to Dubai. This time, instead of trying to make myself feel better by telling myself the judging process was rigged or that the judges secretly thought I was the best and just didn't want to make the other applicants feel bad, I cried. I cried hard. Mista T. probably thought his wife was abducted and replaced by a giant baby. But, she wasn't. She was on the couch, eating ice cream, crying because she wasn't good enough. It was a sad day for me.
But, you know what? It has been good. It has been a contemplative experience, and I've been able to think back on my past "failures" and remember that I am good enough.
And, despite the fact that I did not have the opportunity to participate in this study abroad experience, it will not keep me from living my life to the fullest.