Perfect in my Mind

Perfect in my Mind

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Maybe it's just me.

Hi.  These are my new bangs.
Are you okay with them?  The truth is, I basically just look the same.


Moving on . . .

I've been feeling pretty introspective lately.  I think to some people I come off as confident and self-assured.  I walk tall, and I am not afraid to speak up if I have something to say.

But you know what?

People don't really know what's going on in my head.  In reality, I have some real issues with self-esteem.  I mean, I wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and think the same thought:  "Chelsea, you're ugly."  Then, I turn to the side, look at my stomach, and try and determine whether it looks bigger then it did the day before.  I'm really mean to myself.  I think if I were to take an average of how many times I tell myself I'm fat each day, it would be at least 40.   

Isn't that ridiculous?

I mean, deep down inside, I know I am not fat.  I'm not even overweight.  If I think about it logically, I know that my BMI is in a healthy range, and I know that I wear the same size pants I've always worn.  But when I'm alone with my thought, it's different.  It's something I cannot explain.  It's a part of me I hate, and I try to combat every single day.

My mom is someone I really look up to.  When I lived at home, I asked her multiple times each day if I looked fat.  Usually she would just say no, but a few times she said, "Well, what if you were?  Would that be the worst thing that could happen to you?"  Over the years, these questions have really gotten me thinking.  If everything I physically liked about myself was gone, what would be left?  Would I be okay?  Would I be happy?  Honestly, I don't know.  But it is something I should probably try working on.

I want to emphasize to you all that this post is not a cry for praise or attention.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me.  I've felt compelled to write this post for awhile, and I hope that by sharing, maybe others will know that they are not alone.


Autumn said...

I generally struggle with this as well. Recently a friend and I went and took photos and I decided I had to lose about 30 pounds. Since birth control when we got married my weight is usually about 10 pounds heavier than what I ever was before. Now that I have gone off of it and back on it and tried different things I realize my body has just made changes. It is a hard adjustment for me.

I would also like to put more photos of myself up on my blog, but I feel too self-critical of it. I want to get in really good shape so I can feel better, but also so I won't delete most photos of myself.

Sean Marie said...

Wow, that really breaks my heart to hear. You ARE such a beautiful girl, definitely not fat and I am sorry you struggle with this. It's so important to love yourself from the inside and then all the superficial stuff will come along with that.

Ryan Adair said...

I am pretty self conscious about my weight because I am the heaviest I've been, so I avoid pictures and try to carefully dress myself when I go out, but I think it's a reasonable thing to be critical of because I don't feel healthy. BUT I am really critical of myself socially-- I beat myself up so much about things I say or do when socializing that I wont hang out with new people/friends for like a month or more-- I just always think people are going to think I am too off-beat, or not smart enough, or creative enough-- It's hard because I know it's not right or true even, but it is definitely something I hide behind a tough, confident exterior.

I feel ya girl, I just wish I could judge myself less-- I am not this critical of other people, so I don't know why I am so critical of myself. Doesn't make sense!

Dana Richards said...

Oof I can definitely relate! I have been super self judgmental recently, but at the end of the day all I need to remember is that I have a husband who thinks I'm hot, and I physically feel well and able :)

Evan Becky said...

It's not ridiculous when you think about the fact that most every girl tells herself something negative about herself at least 40 times a day.

But I'm there with you on the fat thing. I was a chubby bunny in high school, lost a bunch of weight, gained more in college (filled out the hips a little) then gained even after I got married and was a real chunk, now I'm back to where I was in college. I've gone to bed many nights literally crying over my body. And then when I had my body back, I'd cry about other things. We girls are mean.

After much trial and error, I finally found out that good fitting clothes are a must. I learned what I thought made me look fat and things that made me look thinner (I love belts around my waist). One of the greatest things that has helped me too is my What I Wore posts. It makes me look back and think, "you know, I looked good that night."

I know you said you weren't looking for praise, but girl, you are very pretty. Keep your head up and go find something that you feel makes you look hott!

The Harrison's said...

You are definitely not alone in this chels. I do the same thing EVERY morning. Birth control, inactivity and bad eating habits resulted in an extra 30 pounds since I got married. I recently decided I needed to start feeling better about myself. Exercise is now my life-savor. Plus it releases endorphins and I semi-contribute that to feeling better about myself.
You are beautiful and believe me definitely not overweight. But hearing that from many people doesn't save you from your own mind. Be kind to yourself. It's a hard thing to do but practice makes perfect!

Emilyface said...

I too gained quite a bit of weight after I got married, and though I had never been self conscious of it before, I really freaked out about it. I hadn't gained a single pound since high school, and all of a sudden right after I got married 10 lbs was added and I was heavier than I have ever been. I decided to go off of birth control pills and took a lifeguarding class. All of the weight came right off and I am back to my high school weight. Even though I am not as fit as I was back then, I am still comfortable again. After recovering from my surgery, I plan on running the marathon next year so I can get back into shape. Running always makes me feel healthy and better about myself. I love your blog so much, by the way!!!

Annette said...

Well...I try to tell myself, would I accept me talking to someone else like that?? No! I constantly remind myself to treat myself better. I'm a mess, but I'm a beautiful mess! I guess we all are!

Alexis Kaye said...

I feel you girl! I'm like self esteem bipolar. Sometimes I look in the mirror and commend myself for a good face day/hair day/whatever and I feel confident. Other days I look in the mirror and am disgusted. I think this is normal to some extent and not to sound cliche, but I think making us feel bad about ourselves is one of Satan's greatest tools. Think about how much time you're wasting by spending time thinking about those things? Because it's not productive. It sucks though, Satan knows our weaknesses and plays into them so well. If I swore right now would be the time I would do it. But yeah. I hope that every once in a while you can look to heavenly father when those thoughts creep in and ask him how he feels about you. Mirrors lie. God is the only true mirror. He's the one who sees us as we really are.

I love you and I hope you're doing alright! And if I can put my two cents in, know that I think you're beautiful in every way!

Ana Paula said...

I think we all feel like that at one point or another. I'm very afraid of not being liked. I easily feel less than others--especially since I moved to the States and I'm new to many things. I'm always worried about what people will think of me. I constantly over-scrutinize my image (the fat roll, the love handle, the cellulite, the pores, the make up, the hair, this, that, the other). I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and I don't like looking down on myself so much. Heavenly Father didn't create me to be so unhappy about myself and to measure myself with other people's parameters! Everyone shows their best side--their confidence, their sense of humor, their strength, their fun, expensive vacation... but deep inside they also have the same insecurities that you and I have. We all do.

It just takes courage to admit to the world that we have them. You're one courageous woman. :)

Deveny said...

I've been genuinely surprised at the amount of younger bloggers around my age that have self esteem issues. You're right, no on knows what is truly going through another person's mind. It just goes to show, that you have to be the one who loves yourself. I wish I could offer some brilliant advice but I don't have any. :/
I know you mentioned in the past about your depression & how counting your blessings has helped. The same could be applied for counting blessings on the good things about your body. Stay positive! I know everyone, including myself, thinks you are just adorable!

Sara Shoemaker said...

thanks for your comment! I looove your new bangs by the way, they look like you went to a salon and had a pro do them! And I happen to find you quite beautiful, and it broke my heart to read that you tell yourself you're ugly every day. You're a stunning girl and have a hilarious and great personality to match. See yourself how God sees you, hun! Remember your divine worth :)

The House of Shoes

Katie said...

First of all, LOVE your bangs. And I'm not usually a bangs girl.

Secondly, I do the same darn thing. And it sounds like a bunch of other girls do, too. And it does help to know that I'm not alone in this. I really liked what Alexis said about God being the only true mirror.

But really, girl, I know you're not looking for praise or anything, really ARE beautiful. And that's the truth.

Siri Natalia said...

You are gorgeous and you are not alone in your struggle. I am right there too, but isn't it a beautiful blessing to have the wonderful husbands that we do who tell us of our true beauty? :) By the way, I love your love story and your wedding pictures are sooo cute!

P! said...

Heart-breaking. I think you're amazing all-around. Then again, I know I'm guilty of things like that too and it doesn't matter what anyone else says- it's what you hold onto in your head. But just in case... YOU ROCK! And, girl, you are WEARING those bangs! Love.