I thought I had everything figured out. I was excited at the prospect of starting a new chapter in my life with someone who (I hoped) could love me through the eternities. But, things change. People change. And, the interesting thing about change is it doesn’t always take time. One day you can feel so confident that you are making the right choices, heading down the path to a beautiful future with the right person by your side—then the next day all your confidence transforms into doubt, worry, and confusion. I’ve come to realize if something doesn’t always feel right, it’s probably not. If you earnestly pray—pleading with the Lord to bless you with assurance, yet never feel consistency in your decision, it’s not something you should place your trust in. It’s hard to follow a prompting that you don’t want to have—to let go of your best friend, someone you want, love, and cherish. But, I’m assuming that it’s a part of life.
I’ve had a lot to think about, lately.
For me, deciding what to pursue academically has been a real struggle. I’ve been through several possibilities: Communications, Elementary Education, Dental Hygiene—but none of these have felt ‘right’ for the long term. Maybe I just need to pick something and stick with it?
I’m not sure where I’m going to reside in the next few weeks. Living in Saint George has been a great learning experience for me in a lot of ways. I’ve gained independence and have recognized the responsibility that comes with living on my own. I’ve met people who have helped me realize my potential, and have shown me through their examples the way I want to live my life. Overall, it’s been very pleasant. However, Cedar City is my home. My family is there. My friends are there. My heart is there. It’s hard for me to know where will be best for me to continue to learn and grow. And where will be the most ideal environment for me to continue my education.
My most current thought has been focused around serving a mission. Being a missionary was never something I really thought too seriously about. I’ve always admired sister missionaries I’ve seen—they are so filled with faith, determination, and selflessness. Until recently I thought I would be married before my time came to spend eighteen months in the service of the Lord. Now I’m not sure. Yesterday I talked with my bishop, and he gave me a checklist of things to do to prepare for a mission (I could put in my papers in about two months). I’m going to start readying myself for the possibility. Worst case scenario: I grow a ton spiritually.
For now, all I can do is pray—believing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and placing my trust in Him.
I’m saying goodbye to an era. I’m beginning to embrace adulthood. And I’m starting to see myself become the woman I want to be.